so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Apparently you make a good broom.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
