I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
