I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
