This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Damn victory sex feels great
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
