And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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