I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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