She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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