You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
