so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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