meet me or not, i'm out of control
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
