i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
