We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
