Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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