He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
