i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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