My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
