I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
