and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
try to milk me bitch
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