when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
