I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
