the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
