I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
