Don't make out with my wife yet
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
