Need sex. Gaining weight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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