Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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