Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
my liver is dry heaving
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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