You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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