Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
