You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
