you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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