She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
