Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm getting married
To pizza
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
