As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
