Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
