I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The air was thick with penises
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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