fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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