Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
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He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.