break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!