my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.