u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.