I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
