The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You are the jesus of drinking
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
