her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
