This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
