Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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