I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
