Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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