i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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