Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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