Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
