Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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