Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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