and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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