he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
