What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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