i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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