we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
