It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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